David Bruce: Be a Work of Art — Language, Letters, Media

Language

• A grandmother went to see Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues with some family and friends. After the performance, she told her granddaughter, “Honey, next time I get together with my lady friends, we are going to talk about our vaginas. And if they say WHAT are you talking about? I’m going to say C*NT, C*NT.”

• Yogi Berra once showed Phil Rizzuto through his new home. Mr. Rizzuto complimented him by saying, “Wow, Yogi! What a beautiful mansion you’ve got here!” “What do you mean, Phil?” Yogi asked. “It’s nothing but a bunch of rooms.”

Letter

• Some fans are obsessive. One such fan assaulted a radio deejay because he would not constantly play her favorite Elvis songs. He found an innovative way to get back at her. He stuffed himself with pizza, carrots, candy, and wine, and then he vomited into a plastic bag. To the vomit he added an assortment of pills. Then he mailed the mess to the fan along with a letter saying that the National Elvis Fan Club wanted to give her “Elvis’ Last Supper.”

• At one time, a rumor stated that President John Adams had sent General C.C. Pinckney to France so that he could pick out two French girls for himself and two for President Adams. In a letter to William Tudor, President Adams joked about the rumor, “If this be true, General Pinckney has kept them all for himself and cheated me out of my two.”

• Journalist George Jean Nathan of the American Mercury used to receive 200 hate letters a day — he paid attention only to the ones that were well written.

Media

• After “Shoeless Joe” Jackson was thrown out of professional baseball because he was accused of helping to throw the 1919 World Series — despite batting .375 in the series — he received a telephone call from a radio show called We the People. The producer of the show wanted Mr. Jackson to come to New York and be interviewed. When Mr. Jackson asked how much money he would receive, he learned that he would earn no money, but be given only transportation and a hotel room. Mr. Jackson said, “You paid Lou Gehrig $5,000 to speak on your program not long ago. If Lou was worth that much to you, then I am, too” — and he hung up.

• National League umpire Harry Wendelsted made a mistake as a rookie umpire in the Georgia-Florida League when he first ordered his uniform — he didn’t order the extra room in the seat that allowed for comfortable crouching behind home plate. In fact, his pants were so tight that they split when he crouched behind home plate for the first game of the season. The next day, the Brunswick, Georgia newspaper carried a photograph of his rear end in his split pants under the headline: “Official Opening.”

• Early in the careers of ice dancers Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, members of the media thought that they were romantically involved because of the romantic programs they performed on the ice, so the media constantly asked them, “When are you getting married?” Through necessity, they developed responses to keep the media at bay: “Not yet” and “Not this week.” (Eventually, they did get married — but not to each other.)

• On the Today show, Peter Townsend, a former fiancé of Princess Margaret, was interviewed by Barbara Walters, who of course asked about his recent break-up with the Princess. He replied that he was tired of answering questions about it. Ms. Walters asked, “Well, if you’re sick of talking about it, why is it in all your publicity releases?”

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Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

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Be a Work of Art — Buy

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Be a Work of Art — Buy Smashwords: Many formats, including PDF

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